Legal System Humorist Gifts

'Your reason for non-attendance last time was, 'I'd seen too many courtroom dramas on telly and didn't fancy it'.'

'I'll be representing myself, your Honor.'

'Your community service sentence starts now. Get a bucket and sponge and wash the car in my assigned parking space.'

"One soft drink and eleven stiff drinks."

"We need two crates of lager and a bottle of scotch."

"Can you handle things by yourself for a few weeks? I've been called for jury duty."

'How do you plead, in twenty-five words or less?'

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

"He's actually my co-counsel, but you may scratch his head."

Patent Attorney (invisible man)

"Bailiff."

'It's another corporate lawyer...do we want to buy a soul?'

"We're slapping you with a stress suit, pal!"

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

"I must insist on my lawyer present."

"We make crime pay."

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

"Have you, or any of your acquaintances, ever been described as 'frolicsome'?"

"You'll note that the card isn't signed so my declaration of undying love isn't legally binding!"

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

"Not guilty by reason of genetic determinism, Your Honor."

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

A baby in court

Pre-nuptal Agreement.

'Your honor, I'd like a short recess so my client can make a run for it.'

Loopholes

"Look, I tried to tell everyone Timmy was in the well but no, what do I know, I'm just a dog!"

"Even if I did believe that he was communicating through you. I'm afraid it's too late to change the will now."

"The witness will confine his 'Knock knock' answers to 'Who's there?'"

'It was more than my finest hour, Paltrow. It was my finest billable hour.'

"At least he's honest about it..."

'I got a suspended sentence.'

'I gotta admit - this 'jury by my peers' idea of yours is looking pretty good.'

'He started it!'