Legal System Satirist Gifts

"Great news, Phil! The governor has determined that you don't have a high enough I.Q. to merit execution."

Santa Claus wanted poster.

'It's solar powered so it might take a while.'

'I got life plus three hundred years...I won't be eligible for parole for six months...'

'The thief got off, but I was sentenced to 6 months for leaving my door unlocked,'

"Freedom and crime go hand in hand, Your Honor. Look at Russia."

"We find the defendant very telegenic."

A judge with his trousers around his ankles

"I got probation."

'Your honour, more time is required to prepare to needlessly spend more taxpayers money.'

'Who do you think you're kidding? -- Guns don't have power surges!'

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, don't let my parents think they wasted money sending me to law school!"

TOO SLOW

Trial by Media

'It's another corporate lawyer...do we want to buy a soul?'

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

Yawning barristers in court

"The ignorance of the lawyer is no excuse."

'Your employee is either guilty of 'gross misconduct' or 'gross negligence'... you can't start disciplinary procedures on the basis that he is just 'plain gross'.'

'He started it!'

"Thank you for the rewind, Miss Cooper. Now let us fast-forward to that fateful moment in February and hit the pause button."

'It's an idea whose time has come, Mr. Mayor -- 'drive-through traffic court'!'

"Twenty five years! But your honor,

'It's all just an unfortunate misunderstanding, Your Honor, it was 'Talk Like a Pirate' day, and,,,,'

"Honestly, I have no idea what a 'habeas corpus' is."

Judge about dancing lawyer: 'When you get to the second stanza of this song and dance, please approach the bench.'

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

"In mitigation, Sunny Chemicals would like to point out that prior to contracting his skin allergy, Mr Crumb was already ugly."

Cop Shop/Fake evidence/Plant now for spring.

"Legally, I have the right to talk as slowly and boringly about all your options as I want."

The annual running of the lawyers.

"And here's good news for the defense. I am disqualifying myself on the grounds of blatant prejudice."

"We calculated your age by how many hours you billed your clients, and you are at least 96."

'Your honor, we are appealing on grounds the post-trial book deals didn't match the pre-trial publicity.'

"Of course, if you get your client off in the initial trial you're throwing away the appeal fee."