Legal Satirists Gifts

Our next story is about an lawyer who goes around suing restaurants for improper lighting. Ah, an "ambiance chaser"!

'Is your client qualified to give a urine sample.'

Trial by Media

'It's another corporate lawyer...do we want to buy a soul?'

Yawning barristers in court

"The ignorance of the lawyer is no excuse."

'Your employee is either guilty of 'gross misconduct' or 'gross negligence'... you can't start disciplinary procedures on the basis that he is just 'plain gross'.'

'I gotta admit - this 'jury by my peers' idea of yours is looking pretty good.'

'He started it!'

'It's all just an unfortunate misunderstanding, Your Honor, it was 'Talk Like a Pirate' day, and,,,,'

"I got probation."

My client is claiming that you have discriminated against him as a species, that your refusal to let him sniff client's bottoms is against his canine rights and that your policies have acted against him reaching partnership.

"Honestly, I have no idea what a 'habeas corpus' is."

Judge about dancing lawyer: 'When you get to the second stanza of this song and dance, please approach the bench.'

Cop Shop/Fake evidence/Plant now for spring.

"We calculated your age by how many hours you billed your clients, and you are at least 96."

"In mitigation, Sunny Chemicals would like to point out that prior to contracting his skin allergy, Mr Crumb was already ugly."

The annual running of the lawyers.

"And here's good news for the defense. I am disqualifying myself on the grounds of blatant prejudice."

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

"Legally, I have the right to talk as slowly and boringly about all your options as I want."

'I hope you don't mind. To save time and money, we've sworn in the firing squad as the jury.'

'That's the last frivolous law suit I want to see any lawyer wearing in this court!'

No offense intended your honor…It just seemed like this case screamed for a frivolous law suit…

'I'd say you have a water-tight case there, boys.'

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

"I sentence you 500 hours of community service - You can start by mopping this floor."

'Littering, Your Honor.'

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

'I wasn't expecting this when they said they wanted to settle out of court!!'

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

"Am I the party of the first part or the party of the second part?"

Out of Court Settlement

'... Yeah. That just means we aren't much good.'

'What could I have done? The defence's motion was written on legal tender.'