Legal Satirists Gifts

'Is your client qualified to give a urine sample.'

Trial by Media

'It's another corporate lawyer...do we want to buy a soul?'

Yawning barristers in court

"The ignorance of the lawyer is no excuse."

'Your employee is either guilty of 'gross misconduct' or 'gross negligence'... you can't start disciplinary procedures on the basis that he is just 'plain gross'.'

'He started it!'

'I gotta admit - this 'jury by my peers' idea of yours is looking pretty good.'

"Honestly, I have no idea what a 'habeas corpus' is."

'It's all just an unfortunate misunderstanding, Your Honor, it was 'Talk Like a Pirate' day, and,,,,'

My client is claiming that you have discriminated against him as a species, that your refusal to let him sniff client's bottoms is against his canine rights and that your policies have acted against him reaching partnership.

"I got probation."

Judge about dancing lawyer: 'When you get to the second stanza of this song and dance, please approach the bench.'

"In mitigation, Sunny Chemicals would like to point out that prior to contracting his skin allergy, Mr Crumb was already ugly."

Cop Shop/Fake evidence/Plant now for spring.

The annual running of the lawyers.

"We calculated your age by how many hours you billed your clients, and you are at least 96."

"And here's good news for the defense. I am disqualifying myself on the grounds of blatant prejudice."

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

"Legally, I have the right to talk as slowly and boringly about all your options as I want."

'I hope you don't mind. To save time and money, we've sworn in the firing squad as the jury.'

'That's the last frivolous law suit I want to see any lawyer wearing in this court!'

'Littering, Your Honor.'

"I sentence you 500 hours of community service - You can start by mopping this floor."

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

'I'd say you have a water-tight case there, boys.'

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

'I wasn't expecting this when they said they wanted to settle out of court!!'

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

'... Yeah. That just means we aren't much good.'

Out of Court Settlement

"Am I the party of the first part or the party of the second part?"

Supreme court chairs with IV bags

"...and how long have you been a smoked Kipper Grader?"

'...and to you, he has left his leprosy.'