Lover Of Legal Satire Gifts

Fenton, Griff, Wintz & Barkins - Attorneys-at-law: The Legal We Do Immediately, The Illegal Takes a Little Longer

Trial by Media

'It's another corporate lawyer...do we want to buy a soul?'

"This is my client's videotaped deposition—please be considerate and rewind after viewing."

Yawning barristers in court

"Permission To Treat Prosecutor as Hostile, Your Honor?"

"The ignorance of the lawyer is no excuse."

'You're the watchdog. Do you honestly expect us to believe you didn't see anything?'

'Your employee is either guilty of 'gross misconduct' or 'gross negligence'... you can't start disciplinary procedures on the basis that he is just 'plain gross'.'

'He started it!'

'That's the lawyer in me trying to get out.'

"Honestly, I have no idea what a 'habeas corpus' is."

Antonin Scalia

'It's all just an unfortunate misunderstanding, Your Honor, it was 'Talk Like a Pirate' day, and,,,,'

Judge about dancing lawyer: 'When you get to the second stanza of this song and dance, please approach the bench.'

Cop Shop/Fake evidence/Plant now for spring.

"In mitigation, Sunny Chemicals would like to point out that prior to contracting his skin allergy, Mr Crumb was already ugly."

"We calculated your age by how many hours you billed your clients, and you are at least 96."

'Cut out the hearsay and get back to work, Ms. Sims.'

The annual running of the lawyers.

"And here's good news for the defense. I am disqualifying myself on the grounds of blatant prejudice."

"Legally, I have the right to talk as slowly and boringly about all your options as I want."

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

'I seem to have brought the wrong brief case, your honor.'

'I'd say you have a water-tight case there, boys.'

"I sentence you 500 hours of community service - You can start by mopping this floor."

'Littering, Your Honor.'

"The legal people are terrified of litigation but I insisted that we write an apology to the client of the lack of service. . . as long as we don't sent it!"

'I hope you don't mind. To save time and money, we've sworn in the firing squad as the jury.'

'That's the last frivolous law suit I want to see any lawyer wearing in this court!'

Snowman about snowman fallen on ice: 'Obviously they would have had time to clear the ice.'

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

'I wasn't expecting this when they said they wanted to settle out of court!!'

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

'... Yeah. That just means we aren't much good.'