Journalistic Jester Gifts

'That's him in the press box. Third sportswriter from the left. Toss one up there and brush him back from his laptop...'

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'My reading comprehension is so-so, but I do make up for it with my highlighting skills.'

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

'I ace 'wheeling' but I flunked 'dealing'' - Boy on leaving Business Administration.

'Look -- I'm willing to forget about all this if you are.'

"For the sake of not being redundant, your honor, I feel that one 'bad dog' is sufficient."

"Philosophy Department. Why may I direct your call?"

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

"He's actually my co-counsel, but you may scratch his head."

"Unless one is a humorist, Haskins. One should avoid attempts at humor."

Dog fetching clown shoes.

Supreme Court. It's either constitutional or unconstitutional - We don't use a scale of one to ten!

'Your Honor, my client would like to wave his right to a speedy trial.'

'WELL, that certainly was a frank discussion! Shall we proceed to the inevitable apologies, retractions and clarifications?'

Beer Order

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

"It says here that in your last job you did a lot of traveling."

Books / Coffee table books

A baby in court

The Scones-Monkey Trial. I, Judge Sadie, am prepared to rule. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Intelligent design versus evolution. Borrrinnng. That is my legal finding. Appeal. Will all bipeds please rise.

'Your Honor, we've decided to go with the inanity defense...'

"Honestly, I have no idea what a 'habeas corpus' is."

You make me feel more like a veterinarian than a psychiatrist, Al. Why is that, Dr. Kapuchnik? Because you're one sick puppy.

"Are you trying to show contempt for this court."

"Humiliation is a very important part of the the process, Mr. Keifer."

'No, no. I told you to look for a precedent.'

"In mitigation, Sunny Chemicals would like to point out that prior to contracting his skin allergy, Mr Crumb was already ugly."

"Gracie, don't worry so much about your big test... You know, when I was your age, I didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'. Until I looked it up."

'Thanks for making it guys. Come on in and pull up a chair.' A square hole in an office floor where chairs can be pulled up from

"I don't plead."

Disorder in the Court!

"When I want your advice, I'll ask for it... but in an oblique, face-saving way."

"Your honor, we were having so much fun being sequestered, we forgot what the defendant is charged with."

"Can you hold on a sec? I just have to condemn this guy to death real quick."