Jolly Critic Pillows

"Obviously, behind all the jolliness there's a lot of rage."

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

'Ho,ho,ho, but can you be more specific?'

Anderson Cooper as a Kid. Today, an expose that asks the question: Who IS Simon, and why must we do what he says?

'Too pricey? Perhaps you wish to see something in macaroni and spray paint?'

Ranked Voting in N.Y.C.

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

'How long has it been shaking like a bowl full of jelly when you laugh?'

'My dentist recommended it.'

"Eating a diet rich in vibrant colors does not mean a bowl of Skittles."

"When did everybody stop jogging?"

"Put away the gummy candies and bring out the apples. The kid's mother is our dentist!"

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

Santa Claus writes a 'Yule Blog'.

Mom's Mortuary

"You can come in. But don't try anything funny."

"Med Brittle"

'What's all this 'naughty or nice' jazz? ? Haven't you ever heard of situational ethics?'

Plug: ' OHHH, Baby Baby.'

"So, Mr. Claus, there IS a Virginia!"

"Let's see if there's another witch's cottage with a better candy selection."

Candy Land for Adults

"I got horse dewormer..."

Santa saying to shrink - "I don't believe in myself."

"You forgot his tail."

'Stocks tumbled on the news Santa's credit rating was downgraded.'

'I hate chocolates that are gooey inside but I love Valentine's cards that are all gooey inside.'

"Our house wine is abominable."

'I say, it really shows off your astigmatism to its greatest advantage, doesn't it?'

"Does this say 'Our Saviour', to you?"

'Well that's just great...you ate the kids and spoiled your dinner!'

"Excuse me...is there a dressing room with a slimming mirror and soft light..."

"So, you're claiming 32 million gifts as a legitimate business expense."

Two kids caught playing dots & boxes on a Damien Hirst painting, spelling the word 'so-so'.

Trump in Disappointing Halloween Candy