Jolly Critic Gifts

"Obviously, behind all the jolliness there's a lot of rage."

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

'Ho,ho,ho, but can you be more specific?'

'Too pricey? Perhaps you wish to see something in macaroni and spray paint?'

Ranked Voting in N.Y.C.

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

'How long has it been shaking like a bowl full of jelly when you laugh?'

'My dentist recommended it.'

"When did everybody stop jogging?"

"Put away the gummy candies and bring out the apples. The kid's mother is our dentist!"

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

Santa Claus writes a 'Yule Blog'.

"You can come in. But don't try anything funny."

Mom's Mortuary

"Med Brittle"

'What's all this 'naughty or nice' jazz? ? Haven't you ever heard of situational ethics?'

Plug: ' OHHH, Baby Baby.'

Candy Land for Adults

"So, Mr. Claus, there IS a Virginia!"

"Let's see if there's another witch's cottage with a better candy selection."

"I got horse dewormer..."

Santa saying to shrink - "I don't believe in myself."

"You forgot his tail."

'Stocks tumbled on the news Santa's credit rating was downgraded.'

"Our house wine is abominable."

'Well that's just great...you ate the kids and spoiled your dinner!'

'I say, it really shows off your astigmatism to its greatest advantage, doesn't it?'

"Excuse me...is there a dressing room with a slimming mirror and soft light..."

"Does this say 'Our Saviour', to you?"

'I hate chocolates that are gooey inside but I love Valentine's cards that are all gooey inside.'

"So, you're claiming 32 million gifts as a legitimate business expense."

Two kids caught playing dots & boxes on a Damien Hirst painting, spelling the word 'so-so'.

"Santa gets away with it because it shakes like a bowl full of jelly, not beer."

"Pretty sure that braid came from a crafts store."