Holly Jolly Critic Gifts

"Same every year, he gets all tensed updreading the first radio blast of Slade's 'It's Christmas'..."

Anderson Cooper as a Kid. Today, an expose that asks the question: Who IS Simon, and why must we do what he says?

Ice Skater

Ranked Voting in N.Y.C.

'How long has it been shaking like a bowl full of jelly when you laugh?'

"When did everybody stop jogging?"

Moby Dick the Demi Moore Version

Alicia Vikander

Christmas Present Wrapping Service.

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

Santa Claus writes a 'Yule Blog'.

Mall Santa's Anonymous: 'Holidays are always the hardest - especially Christmas.'

"Call my attorney and say that I killed Ted in self-defense. Call my publicist and say that I wish Ted the best of luck in all his future endeavors."

"So, Mr. Claus, there IS a Virginia!"

Mega Studios. Script. It's an action-packed sequel to the "Grapes of Wrath" where the hero goes berserk! We call it "Joad Rage"!

"What you ain't - is A GENT!"

The Bridge II

Santa saying to shrink - "I don't believe in myself."

'Every year I say, 'Just a little of the top' but they never listen.'

"You forgot his tail."

"Lately I've had uncontrollable cravings for venison.

"Our house wine is abominable."

Roman Polanski to the Rescue

Two kids caught playing dots & boxes on a Damien Hirst painting, spelling the word 'so-so'.

"Comfortable?"

'You're in luck. It comes in Large, Extra Large and Bowl Full Of Jelly.'

"According to one of the reviews on Trip Adviser the beds aren't very good."

"You know I don't celebrate Valentines."

"Santa gets away with it because it shakes like a bowl full of jelly, not beer."

Men in Black Part 17 - Totally Overworked

I'm going to the movies. What witless Hollywood excretion are you wasting your money on? An extremely thrifty one, nana. Really? It's a film based on reuse and recycling. Oh, right. The 13th remake of "Friday the Thirteenth." Is movie blood biodegradable?

Help Support Santa Off-Season

"Open wide and say, Fa La La Ahhh."

"It's been 300 years. I think I'm read to retire."

Deck the Halls!