Hollywood Critic Gifts

"Call my attorney and say that I killed Ted in self-defense. Call my publicist and say that I wish Ted the best of luck in all his future endeavors."

Moby Dick the Demi Moore Version

"I really enjoy suing actors, but eventually I'd like to sue a director."

"When I grow up, I don't want to be a movie star."

"I've got bad news and even worse news: The bad news is that your script is shallow, offensive garbage. The worse news is that we're offering you ten million for it, which will probably ruin you forever as a writer. Sorry I had to be the one to do this to

"Weinstein left Tinseltown, its hills decked with his final message to the Democrats."

Hollywood: Accusations

"What you ain't - is A GENT!"

"When they give his stalker an award for 'Best Supporting Role' I know something is wrong with this business."

"Hey grandpa, tell us more about the time you were in that Steven Spielberg movie."

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

"Gone with the wind with cats" "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." "Me neither, who cares—let's take a nap."

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

'Hey, Charlie, have we got good news for you!'

Enterpe, Terpsichore, Calliope, and Bernie, their agent.

"Citizen Kane first draft... Citizen Kane By Orson Welles & Herman J. Mankiewicz Int. Kane's bedroom Kane's old voice Call a freaking ambulance! Rosebud..."

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

Tom Hanks

Ranked Voting in N.Y.C.

'At last, the newly discovered films of Woody Alien.'

'And the Award goes to...Ewww...him?'

Hollywood Breakup

'Harlow, why can't you be passionate like Mel Gibson?'

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

"Although the depiction of gangland activity in this film is not accurate over all, I would like to go on record as saying that I am not entirely displeased with Mr. Robert De Niro's portrayal of a gentleman whom I take to have been a former associate of yours truly."

"Face it - in this town, either you're a star or you're just another brown dwarf."

"You played yourself in your last picture. Everyone found it unconvincing."

Death Styles of the Rich and Famous

Oscars 2024

"He's a real throwback. He does all his own publicity stunts."

'I preferred her in the margarine commercial.'

"Once again, the epicenter seems to be Christian Slater."

True Story Movie

"It's been done, but I don't think it's been redone."

When lice dream.