Hollywood Cynic Gifts

The Sequel is Coming

"This is my kind of film."

Rich man vomiting euros to a beggar.

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

Moby Dick the Demi Moore Version

Alicia Vikander

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

Obama builds own gallows.

At the 'Feel Good' movie of the year.

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"Call my attorney and say that I killed Ted in self-defense. Call my publicist and say that I wish Ted the best of luck in all his future endeavors."

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

Sucking Up to Gen X

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

"Man, I'm sooooo bored!"

Defend the Cult of Militant Nonviolence!

"What you ain't - is A GENT!"

Mega Studios. Script. It's an action-packed sequel to the "Grapes of Wrath" where the hero goes berserk! We call it "Joad Rage"!

The Bridge II

Information and Still don't get it.

Cornucopia Prime

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY: CLEAN UNDERWEAR

If Kitschy Film Dialogues Were Really Realistic. . .

Mail & Political lies.

Roman Polanski to the Rescue

Men in Black Part 17 - Totally Overworked

I'm going to the movies. What witless Hollywood excretion are you wasting your money on? An extremely thrifty one, nana. Really? It's a film based on reuse and recycling. Oh, right. The 13th remake of "Friday the Thirteenth." Is movie blood biodegradable?

'Against Joie De Vivre': Meet the author today.

"...nineteen, twenty. Ready or not, here I come!"

'Don't tell me about the basic goodness of children - as soon as there were two, Cain killed Abel!'

You've got to get on board with celebrity endorsements. People love your voice. They trust it. Bite me. Okay, then we'll find someone else to dupe your pathetic audience, sell them stuff they don't need and make them feel deep regret. Hold on. You never mentioned the spiritual benefits. I didn't want to play this card. To think of the shame I could inflict.