Hollywood Critic Pillows

"Call my attorney and say that I killed Ted in self-defense. Call my publicist and say that I wish Ted the best of luck in all his future endeavors."

Moby Dick the Demi Moore Version

"I really enjoy suing actors, but eventually I'd like to sue a director."

The Bridge II

Roman Polanski to the Rescue

Mega Studios. Script. It's an action-packed sequel to the "Grapes of Wrath" where the hero goes berserk! We call it "Joad Rage"!

I'm going to the movies. What witless Hollywood excretion are you wasting your money on? An extremely thrifty one, nana. Really? It's a film based on reuse and recycling. Oh, right. The 13th remake of "Friday the Thirteenth." Is movie blood biodegradable?

Men in Black Part 17 - Totally Overworked

"When I grow up, I don't want to be a movie star."

"I've got bad news and even worse news: The bad news is that your script is shallow, offensive garbage. The worse news is that we're offering you ten million for it, which will probably ruin you forever as a writer. Sorry I had to be the one to do this to

WHAT IF?....Joan Rivers never had plastic surgery!!

Alicia Vikander

"Weinstein left Tinseltown, its hills decked with his final message to the Democrats."

Hollywood: Accusations

"What you ain't - is A GENT!"

"When they give his stalker an award for 'Best Supporting Role' I know something is wrong with this business."

"Hey grandpa, tell us more about the time you were in that Steven Spielberg movie."

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? A scene from an Esther Williams movie.

"Gone with the wind with cats" "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." "Me neither, who cares—let's take a nap."

'Hey, Charlie, have we got good news for you!'

Buster Keaton

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

Enterpe, Terpsichore, Calliope, and Bernie, their agent.

What do you say we team up to star in a sequel to "The Elephant Man" called "The Wolverine Boy"? !

Tom Hanks

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

"Citizen Kane first draft... Citizen Kane By Orson Welles & Herman J. Mankiewicz Int. Kane's bedroom Kane's old voice Call a freaking ambulance! Rosebud..."

Ranked Voting in N.Y.C.

'And the Award goes to...Ewww...him?'

'Harlow, why can't you be passionate like Mel Gibson?'

'At last, the newly discovered films of Woody Alien.'

Hollywood Breakup

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

Jack Nicholson