Joke Juggler Pillows

"You're gonna love this guy's act. He's, like, 'not funny, funny, not funny.'"

"I'm a writer/painter/filmmaker/poet/actor/comedian, manic-depressive goes without saying."

"I love my job. It's people laughing at me I can't handle."

How's the writer's block?

'The guy before me was so bad the audience were still booing all the time I was on!'

'Personally, I think PC humour's gone too far.'

'It was George's first time on top of the bill.'

"Bed Spread"

"I can't hear you but the banana can."

"What's the opposite of understanding?"

"Merry Christmas"

'Honestly, dear, I'm just giving my pedometer a rest.'

"Ever since the layoffs, I feel like we've been doing the work of twenty clowns."

Mr Claus, tests indicate your blood is 95% milk and cookies.

"I hate this time of year."

Father Christmas uses laptop on roof. Man says: 'I think someone is stealing our wi-fi.'

"I've had. . . um. . . just a small sherry. . ."

Why are you insisting on spending Christmas in hospital, Gran? I prefer the Santa here, darling.

'Apparently our postcode qualifies us for Government sponsored loft insulation.'

"Susan! The Johnson's dog is chasing me while I'm jogging again!"

'If you plan to run a half-marathon you won't want a stopwatch, you'll need a calendar!'

Doctor about spinning plates on patient: 'I'm concerned about his platelets.'

"Oh I don't mind the jogging, but I think you tricked me. When you asked if I wanted to exercise, I thought you said, extra fries!"

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

'But sinister gales - with that armour?'

"Guilty of a sense of humor in a tight-ass world."

Elf of the Month

"History test? But I studied all night for a math test!"

"Maybe this year..."

Cleaning the Horse

During a respite in union negotiations, simmering tensions boil over as some disgruntled members of the toymakers elf union take matters in their own hands.

'Your dad only works one day a week but mine only works ONE day a year!'

C is for Cracker

I think when they talk about 'taking more excercise' they meant more than lifting the remote control.

Shirts vs Skins: 'I don't know about this.'