Javelin Jokester Pillows

"Not to diminish what you've achieved in the last eighteen months of training, but it appears that the javelin roll is not an Olympic sport."

Le javelot pour bûcheron.

'I forgot to let go...!'

Javelin Rocket.

"Bed Spread"

'Gravity...Go figure!'

'I'm telling you Fred, this can of silver paint is going to improve your love-life!...'

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

Growth Charts

Snowman of the Apes

"Merry Christmas"

'Honestly, dear, I'm just giving my pedometer a rest.'

Mr Claus, tests indicate your blood is 95% milk and cookies.

"Influence this."

'Can I have a Banana-Split' without the ice-cream?'

"I'm off, I only popped in for a swift three units."

'McWit, that's not what's meant by carbo loading.'

'Apparently it's part of the evolutionary process!'

"I hate this time of year."

'I'm SECRET Santa, kid.'

Father Christmas uses laptop on roof. Man says: 'I think someone is stealing our wi-fi.'

"I've had. . . um. . . just a small sherry. . ."

"Susan! The Johnson's dog is chasing me while I'm jogging again!"

"Redcoat is down! Repeat, redcoat is down!"

Why are you insisting on spending Christmas in hospital, Gran? I prefer the Santa here, darling.

'Fancy a swift half?'

'Apparently our postcode qualifies us for Government sponsored loft insulation.'

'Hey, Fred! You have a relative visiting.'

Who says religion can't have a sense of humour.

'If you plan to run a half-marathon you won't want a stopwatch, you'll need a calendar!'

Doctor about spinning plates on patient: 'I'm concerned about his platelets.'

'So much for the 'Eye of the Tiger'.'

"You want me to explain how there were two doughnuts in the larder and now there is only one? Easy, it was too dark in there to see the second one."

"I'm a writer/painter/filmmaker/poet/actor/comedian, manic-depressive goes without saying."

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'