Juggling Jokester Pillows

Doctor about spinning plates on patient: 'I'm concerned about his platelets.'

'Finally, some help around the house!'

'...that isn't clever and it isn't funny!'

What do you think? Isn't this guy right for our customer care department?

'There I was, balanced on the wire, juggling balls like crazy when this yo-yo in the crowd hits me in the eye with a peanut.'

"Bobby, you may have worked for a circus but that's not an excuse for playing with your food!"

"Bed Spread"

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

"Merry Christmas"

A crab with a utility knife claw

"Wheeeeeeee!"

'Honestly, dear, I'm just giving my pedometer a rest.'

Mr Claus, tests indicate your blood is 95% milk and cookies.

Tennis ball girl.

"I hate this time of year."

Father Christmas uses laptop on roof. Man says: 'I think someone is stealing our wi-fi.'

"I've had. . . um. . . just a small sherry. . ."

Unicyclist painting a ceiling.

'George, stop playing with the children.'

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Why are you insisting on spending Christmas in hospital, Gran? I prefer the Santa here, darling.

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

'Apparently our postcode qualifies us for Government sponsored loft insulation.'

"Susan! The Johnson's dog is chasing me while I'm jogging again!"

'If you plan to run a half-marathon you won't want a stopwatch, you'll need a calendar!'

"You idiots … we lost!"

"Maybe this year..."

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"I'm a writer/painter/filmmaker/poet/actor/comedian, manic-depressive goes without saying."

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

'But sinister gales - with that armour?'

Elf of the Month

"Oh I don't mind the jogging, but I think you tricked me. When you asked if I wanted to exercise, I thought you said, extra fries!"