Jogger Jokester Pillows

"And that's why I avoid moisture-wicking sportswear."

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"Bed Spread"

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"Merry Christmas"

'Honestly, dear, I'm just giving my pedometer a rest.'

Mr Claus, tests indicate your blood is 95% milk and cookies.

"I hate this time of year."

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

Father Christmas uses laptop on roof. Man says: 'I think someone is stealing our wi-fi.'

"I've had. . . um. . . just a small sherry. . ."

'Apparently our postcode qualifies us for Government sponsored loft insulation.'

"You are aware that’s a golf ball?"

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

Why are you insisting on spending Christmas in hospital, Gran? I prefer the Santa here, darling.

"Susan! The Johnson's dog is chasing me while I'm jogging again!"

'Are we having fun yet?'

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

Doctor about spinning plates on patient: 'I'm concerned about his platelets.'

'If you plan to run a half-marathon you won't want a stopwatch, you'll need a calendar!'

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

'But sinister gales - with that armour?'

"Oh I don't mind the jogging, but I think you tricked me. When you asked if I wanted to exercise, I thought you said, extra fries!"

"Maybe this year..."

Elf of the Month

'What, not even a kiss first?'

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

"I'm a writer/painter/filmmaker/poet/actor/comedian, manic-depressive goes without saying."

Cleaning the Horse