Job Survivor Gifts

"By the way, clean out your desk means your fired."

When the last package arrived, it became clear. He was being replaced.

'I'm Jeremy's father. I'm a computer consultant and I'm unemployed.'

'I clawed my way to the top and then I clawed my way back to the middle.'

"I'd like a week off without any business related e-mail on my home computer."

I feel better than ever physically but I'm totally obsolete at work. In life 60 is the new 40. In the workplace 40 is the new 60.

"Hey, Dunleavy! I hear the boss is clearing out more dead wood today! Maybe you should've just stayed home and called in stick! Get it? Called in stick?"

"I found the perfect summer job! 'Greet people at retail store. Company uniform required. Must be able to carry small children.' How hard can that be?"

With the mine closing down due to Emission concerns...somone had to shake their booty to keep food on the table.

"Can I put in a claim for interview trauma compensation?"

"We're a bit understaffed today, could you be 6 people?"

"'Can correctly complete a CAPTCHA image 8 our of 10 times.' Any other skills?"

"He told me I was a flip phone expected to do a smart phone job."

Weather reporter feels guilty every time it rains.

'Think of it as a buyout package, Bob...without the 'buy' and just the 'out'!'

"Help, I'm being micro managed."

'I hereby sentence you to 40 years labor in an office with fluorescent lighting, just enough salary to keep you alive...'

'You're overqualified... so you'll have to act stupid.!

'I'm telling you, this is a tough place to work. Pass the pepper spray.'

"Actually, this time we're not being asked to do more with less. Instead, we're being asked to do whatever we want, somewhere else, effective immediately."

'Hold the Ferguson report. Ed's had enough information for the day.'

'That's great, Bob, but I was just going to ask if you wanted anything from the deli next door.'

'Really?! You didn't get fired today, either?! That's 60 days in a row! I'm so proud of you!'

"Just when did you leave your last job?"

City Dump: Resumes.

"Dear Helen, Freelance works remains lucrative, but stressful."

"I'm just basking in the glow of my not screwing anything up today."

Careers Advice

"Oh, we never shoot the messenger. But we'd take away his access codes."

You're lucky you took the buyout. I was downsized.

"I'm about as mainstream as you can get. I go to church, I'm all for the family, I hate Saddam Hussein, and I'm unemployed."

'Nobody has seen as many employees and CEOs coming and going as you have, Higgins. How long have you worked here now?'

'I remember you. Were you laid off from this company last month?'

'Tell one more person where to go and you're fired.'

Rejection.com