Job Hunt Survivors Gifts

"Can I put in a claim for interview trauma compensation?"

Rejection.com

'I'm Jeremy's father. I'm a computer consultant and I'm unemployed.'

'I clawed my way to the top and then I clawed my way back to the middle.'

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

"I believe you'll like our company. We pay our employees time and a fifth."

I feel better than ever physically but I'm totally obsolete at work. In life 60 is the new 40. In the workplace 40 is the new 60.

"Hey, Dunleavy! I hear the boss is clearing out more dead wood today! Maybe you should've just stayed home and called in stick! Get it? Called in stick?"

Resume Dumpers

"I found the perfect summer job! 'Greet people at retail store. Company uniform required. Must be able to carry small children.' How hard can that be?"

"I'm long term unemployed because jerks like you won't hire me!"

With the mine closing down due to Emission concerns...somone had to shake their booty to keep food on the table.

"You may have heard some very slanderous rumours about this company."

"'Can correctly complete a CAPTCHA image 8 our of 10 times.' Any other skills?"

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

"He told me I was a flip phone expected to do a smart phone job."

'Think of it as a buyout package, Bob...without the 'buy' and just the 'out'!'

"We kiss a lot of frogs so that you find your prince."

"Help, I'm being micro managed."

"John, does this mean you've given up looking for work?"

'You're overqualified... so you'll have to act stupid.!

"Actually, this time we're not being asked to do more with less. Instead, we're being asked to do whatever we want, somewhere else, effective immediately."

'I know we got the job, but trust me, ‘dress for success' always applies, even after the interview.'

Virtual interview.

'I hereby sentence you to 40 years labor in an office with fluorescent lighting, just enough salary to keep you alive...'

'Besides a great smile, do you have any other qualifications we could consider?'

'Really?! You didn't get fired today, either?! That's 60 days in a row! I'm so proud of you!'

"Just when did you leave your last job?"

"I love your enthusiasm but we were actually looking for someone who could do the job."

City Dump: Resumes.

Number two pencil, pretending to be a number one, fears that his deception has been uncovered.

You're lucky you took the buyout. I was downsized.

"I'm just basking in the glow of my not screwing anything up today."

"Where do you see yourself in 5 to 10 years?"

"I'm about as mainstream as you can get. I go to church, I'm all for the family, I hate Saddam Hussein, and I'm unemployed."