Job Hunting Gifts

'First off, there's no 'y' in resume...'

"You said I'd be part of a team."

"English lit-how about you?"

'How long have you been unemployed? I have never seen a resume prepared in needlepoint.'

'It helps to be a little crazy to work here, but you're overqualified.'

". . . So what's with bosses these days? It seems like I can never find a good one."

"We look for people who can quickly adapt to changes in the workplace."

"The salary is negotiable, take it or leave it."

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

'Thanks for coming in. We'll get back to you as soon as we lower our expectations.'

"What made this guy stand out?" "He applied."

'Where do I see myself in five years? If you ask one more stupid question, prison.'

"Based on your resume you're not really qualified for the job...but there's just something about you I like!"

The key to landing a good job is patience, persistence and timing. And networking.

"I'm looking for something really dull and repetitive."

"Can I put in a claim for interview trauma compensation?"

'Vicious, intelligent and ruthless? Certainly. But I think my biggest asset is that I'm a survivor!'

'We have an opening for a part-time intern, which could lead to a full-time unpaid internship.'

"Any experience?"

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

Psychometric testing: "Of course the tests are nonsense but we're working on the basis that anyone who can be bothered to complete all 148 of them MUST be highly motivated."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

One of the failed candidates for the copyrighters job wants to know 'wat was rong with his applicashun'.

"I know you're a working dog, Angus. I just don't have anything for you right now."

'I'm sorry, Mr Aaron, but we checked with your school and you only graduated first in your class alphabetically.'

'The grammar's awful and the spelling's atrocious - otherwise it's an impressive CV.'

'Way too much information on your resume.'

'Any special awards or honors other than the three gold stars you got in second grade?'

"Personnel have downgraded the new job sec fro 'must be qualified with six years experience' to 'must be alive." "Still seems a lot to ask for the money."

"When did you say you left school?"

"We have only jobs here, Mr. Sanderson, not 'gigs.' "

"Congratulations. You have the skills we're looking for, and you'll just fit a cubicle."

'Well, I guess a master's degree is a master's degree, even if it is in skateboarding.'

"When I asked if you could start right away, I meant if we decide to hire you."

'I think I'm right for this job because I'm a real people person. Now, are you going to hire me or not? I don't have all freakin' day!'