Job Hiring Gifts

'WOHOOO! They hired me for the double role!'

'I like a man with a good, firm fist bump.'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'I have this fear of the real world...'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

'I'll be late for dinner, dear, I'm up to my neck in paperwork.'

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"He's having a hard time finding work."

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'We manufacture micro computing circuits. We're looking to hire someone who can anticipate the next small thing.'

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

Good Luck!

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'Now then - I just wanted to see how you handle pressure, Mr. Boyle.'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"So what makes you think you're qualified for this job?"

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'So Kyle - have you considered the challenges of van driving?'

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'Curious how all four previous employers spelt 'exceptional' with just an 'x'.'

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

How are you at decision making?

'A depressing thought just came over me. Now we'll have to go out and get a job!'

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'