Job Applicant Gifts

'That's true. We did advertise for someone who 'works well under pressure'...'

'Yes, I suppose certain narrow-minded people would call it a ‘pack of lies' - I prefer to think of it as creative up-selling.'

You are more than your job description.

"We only hire temps, and you have a look of permanence about you."

'In five year's time?... I see myself on that side of the desk telling you it's a great shame, thanks for all your hard work, but I'm going to have to let you go!'

'We'll be in touch. I still have to interview a few other applicants.'

'Your performance rating is terrible, Fenwick, but I like your looks.'

'Among my many talents, not shown on my resume, is that I can say 'multivarient transformative interactive analytical heterogenacity in management leadership' three times fast.'

'Your resume is certainly memorable. You used a different font for every other word you wrote.'

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

'Of course, it's your business, but I wouldn't ever start a resume with 'Once upon a time in a land far far away!''

"We don't have an exercise room here. You'll stay in shape by climbing the ladder, jumping through hoops, toeing the line..."

"What makes you think you'll fit in here?"

'What is this copyright notice, from OnlineResumesForYou, doing at the bottom of your resume?'

'I love your resume. Is it fiction, non-fiction, or plagiarized from the internet?'

"I'm not discriminating against you Mr. Harris, merely pointing out that the job requires some heavy lifting and you are unfeasably tiny."

'You get 104 personal day. They're called Saturdays and Sundays.'

"My time as a CEO? Oh, I just made that part up to get your attention."

'I can't ask you about your age or any health issues. Our insurance provider does, however, require all new hires to sign a ‘Do Not Resuscitate' order.'

'Mr Clayton will see you first, Sir.'

'Aptitude Testing Center.'

"Surely, you remember who your last employer was?"

"You're overqualified. Could you dumb it down a little?"

We're prepared to offer you a starting salary in the low six figures...if you count the decimal.

'We are an environmentally sensitive organization. We will have to do a background check on the size of your carbon footprint before we can make an offer of employment.'

'We're looking for someone who would be comfortable toiling in obscurity for at least thirty years.'

'We're looking with someone with balls...not an enlarged prostate.'

'I'm also fluent in Geek.'

'Wow, I'd give a fortune to work for you, sir!'

'I'm very efficient, I haven't missed a teabreak in ten years.'

'Strangest interview I've ever been on. To see if I was a team player, he asked me to spot him a twenty.'

'Very interesting. How many bird calls do you know?'

'No thanks! Knowing what I'm supposed to be doing might throw me off.'

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'