Job Applicator Gifts

'When push comes to shove, I want people who'll push.'

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"He's having a hard time finding work."

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

He may have a PH.D in elementary particle physics, but he's having an awful lot of trouble with the application form.

"He might not have got the job with Google, but they weren't going to stop Brian skateboarding to the office."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'I'm afraid you don't have the leadership qualities we're seeking.'

'Now then - I just wanted to see how you handle pressure, Mr. Boyle.'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

How are you at decision making?

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

"OK, you're good and just the guy we need in security."

Personnel - "This letter of recommendation is full of misspellings!"

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'A depressing thought just came over me. Now we'll have to go out and get a job!'

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'Curious how all four previous employers spelt 'exceptional' with just an 'x'.'

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'I'm also fluent in Geek.'

"Don't get the wrong idea about those years in a mental institution. I was employed there."

Do you have any other skills?