Applicants Gifts

"I see we're all going into this interview a little superstitious."

"Here, we want movers, but not shakers."

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"He's having a hard time finding work."

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

He may have a PH.D in elementary particle physics, but he's having an awful lot of trouble with the application form.

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'Now then - I just wanted to see how you handle pressure, Mr. Boyle.'

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

'Curious how all four previous employers spelt 'exceptional' with just an 'x'.'

"OK, you're good and just the guy we need in security."

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

Personnel - "This letter of recommendation is full of misspellings!"

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'I'm also fluent in Geek.'

Do you have any other skills?

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

"We live in the golden age of fake news, alternative facts and spin control. Your resume is too truthful."

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

'Impressive resume, We'll verify it through Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr and get back to you,'

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

'I'm afraid that the top investment banks are looking for more from job applicants than a 'Top Degree from the University of Hard Knocks'.'

'So you have a PhD, big deal, everyone working here has one! The question is, what can you really do?'

'We like your style, but hate your substance.'

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

"What we're looking for is someone who think outside the box?"