Job Applicants Gifts

'It says here you like to push the envelope.'

'We're looking for someone who either has a good background or can concoct a good story about one.'

'You've spelt 'C.V.' wrongly.'

"I thought your resume was a joke, Mr. Higgins, but I can't find the punchline, which is why I called you back here."

'This is a computer company.. we need somebody with more than just great penmanship.'

"One of my strengths as an employee is my ability to multitask."

Personnel Office. Your call is very important to us. ... That really won't do as a character reference.

'For marital status, I put down horrible. It should improve if I get the job.'

'You don't know about production, customers and service... well, you'll fit the administration department perfectly!'

'What's the use of being a Renaissance man if you can't multi-task?'

"Please do remember us in the future. There's no reason to limit your rejections to just this one time."

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

"He's having a hard time finding work."

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

He may have a PH.D in elementary particle physics, but he's having an awful lot of trouble with the application form.

"He might not have got the job with Google, but they weren't going to stop Brian skateboarding to the office."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'I'm afraid you don't have the leadership qualities we're seeking.'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'Now then - I just wanted to see how you handle pressure, Mr. Boyle.'

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

How are you at decision making?

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

Personnel - "This letter of recommendation is full of misspellings!"

'Curious how all four previous employers spelt 'exceptional' with just an 'x'.'