Job Applicants Gifts

'It says here you like to push the envelope.'

'We're looking for someone who either has a good background or can concoct a good story about one.'

'You've spelt 'C.V.' wrongly.'

"I thought your resume was a joke, Mr. Higgins, but I can't find the punchline, which is why I called you back here."

"One of my strengths as an employee is my ability to multitask."

'For marital status, I put down horrible. It should improve if I get the job.'

'You don't know about production, customers and service... well, you'll fit the administration department perfectly!'

'What's the use of being a Renaissance man if you can't multi-task?'

"Please do remember us in the future. There's no reason to limit your rejections to just this one time."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"He's having a hard time finding work."

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

He may have a PH.D in elementary particle physics, but he's having an awful lot of trouble with the application form.

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'I'm afraid you don't have the leadership qualities we're seeking.'

'Now then - I just wanted to see how you handle pressure, Mr. Boyle.'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

"OK, you're good and just the guy we need in security."

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'A depressing thought just came over me. Now we'll have to go out and get a job!'

How are you at decision making?

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'Curious how all four previous employers spelt 'exceptional' with just an 'x'.'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'