Job Candidate Gifts

'They tell me you're quiet intuitive.'

"I'm sensing confidence, boldness, and moral sensibility. You're not going to turn out to be a whistleblower, are you?"

'Vicious, intelligent and ruthless? Certainly. But I think my biggest asset is that I'm a survivor!'

'Basically, we're looking for cost-effective, efficient tried and true ideas that look like bold innovation thinking while not scaring the poop out of everyone.'

"I'm not used to communicating face-to-face. Can we conduct this interview via text?"

"errrm..I think I'll phone a friend."

"...but what we're looking for is ability"

What to disclose at a job interview

'I'm sorry, but you have a very impressive resume, and at this company, we find competence threatening.'

"Any other strengths?"

"Now tell me about yourself in a ten second sound bite."

'Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.'

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

"So you wouldn't be interrupted while interviewing me, I took the liberty of calling in a bomb threat."

'How good are you at throwing money?'

"I can see from your résumé that you're a man."

"As a company, and as individuals, we are without irony. Will that bother you?"

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

We can't top your previous salary, but we can give you a more prestigious email address.

'You're on the shortlist. It's between you and the bloke who's going to get the job.'

'So, Bob, I hear you're good at compartmentalizing!'

'I can't take the position until I overcome inertia.'

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

'Thank you for your time, Sir, and I must disagree with the other finalists, I don't find you a pompous bore at all.'

"You may be over qualified."

"...before we hire you for this position, Frank, we'd like you to perform one more task."

"Your policy of equal pay for equal work is commendable, but my work is superior."

"We don't have a gym, but your parking space is six miles away."

"You want self-motivation? Look! I have my own carrot and stick!"

"Well, you're both strong candidates with very similar résumés so we've decided to settle the matter through hand to hand combat."

"Tell us something we don't know."

Department of Statistics: "Are you prepared to give 110 per cent?"

"We can't offer medical benefits because working here is considered a pre-existing condition."

'You want paid a lot, we'll pay you a little. You want to start off at the top, we'll start you off at the bottom. When can you start.'

'You're overqualified, and we under pay. It evens out. Welcome aboard, Barnes.'