Job Seekers Gifts

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

The key to landing a good job is patience, persistence and timing. And networking.

"Besides caring too much? I'd probably have to go with Kryptonite."

"Can I put in a claim for interview trauma compensation?"

'I'm sorry, Mr Aaron, but we checked with your school and you only graduated first in your class alphabetically.'

'Your resume seems in order, Mr. Lupo, but would you explain exactly why you want to work here> Mr. Lupo...?

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

'At least it's steady work.'

'Looking for a job with better conditions?'

'What I lack in cognitive flexibility, I make up for in moral flexibility.'

Colognes for Men

Caveman at job centre.

"I'm sorry, I always fall to pieces at interviews."

...What if I promise to only use half my brain?

'I'd have done better on the intelligence test, but it was biased toward intelligent people.'

'You're overqualified, Sir. In other words, you've become too smart for your own good.'

"How much wood would you chuck, if given the opportunity, and presupposing you could chuck wood, aspirationally speaking of course."

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

'You have an online degree from the college of hard knocks'

The Contract Culture: 'Jump.'

'When your application said that your name was Harrison Ford, quite frankly I'd expected something different!'

Ace headhunters.

'Your resume says you pay attention to detail, which I would find easier to buy if your fly wasn't unzipped.'

"Actually, I gotta admit...maybe this job isn't right for me. I guess things change and it's just time...you know, time to move on."

Yes, Ralph, you blew the interview because there was something between your teeth...your foot!

"I want to be an executive,sir, and have three hour lunch breaks."

"I'm looking for a position with limited accountability."

"Anything with amazon, I hear they treat their workforce like robots."

"According to your resume, you've done nothing of any real significance since inventing the wheel."

'Are all of these letters of recommendation from your mother?'

'Any other reason you want this job besides being quote: 'Deep, deep, unbelievably freakin' deep, in debt'?'

'Your resume is excellent, Dave. however your facebook page shows your lack of innovation that we're seeking.'

"Did I mention I work for peanuts?"

"I think that one of my best qualities is my imagination, evidence of which you can interpret from my list of qualifications on pages 3, 4, 6 and eight."