Job Seekers Gifts

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

"Besides caring too much? I'd probably have to go with Kryptonite."

The key to landing a good job is patience, persistence and timing. And networking.

"Can I put in a claim for interview trauma compensation?"

'I'm sorry, Mr Aaron, but we checked with your school and you only graduated first in your class alphabetically.'

'Your resume seems in order, Mr. Lupo, but would you explain exactly why you want to work here> Mr. Lupo...?

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

'At least it's steady work.'

Colognes for Men

'What I lack in cognitive flexibility, I make up for in moral flexibility.'

'Looking for a job with better conditions?'

Caveman at job centre.

"I'm sorry, I always fall to pieces at interviews."

...What if I promise to only use half my brain?

'I'd have done better on the intelligence test, but it was biased toward intelligent people.'

'You have an online degree from the college of hard knocks'

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

'You're overqualified, Sir. In other words, you've become too smart for your own good.'

Ace headhunters.

The Contract Culture: 'Jump.'

'Your resume says you pay attention to detail, which I would find easier to buy if your fly wasn't unzipped.'

"Actually, I gotta admit...maybe this job isn't right for me. I guess things change and it's just time...you know, time to move on."

"Did I mention I work for peanuts?"

"I want to be an executive,sir, and have three hour lunch breaks."

Yes, Ralph, you blew the interview because there was something between your teeth...your foot!

'Any other reason you want this job besides being quote: 'Deep, deep, unbelievably freakin' deep, in debt'?'

Get better off soon

"According to your resume, you've done nothing of any real significance since inventing the wheel."

'Are all of these letters of recommendation from your mother?'

"I think that one of my best qualities is my imagination, evidence of which you can interpret from my list of qualifications on pages 3, 4, 6 and eight."

"I'm looking for a position with limited accountability."

"I'm just curious why you included a section in your resume that says 'The lost years...'"

"We're looking for someone more aggressive, and, well, Pinkston is still intact."

"I think it is who you know and I know you.''