Job Seeking Gifts

'You're exactly the kind of applicant we're looking for.'

'Hi, guess who just got head hunted?'

"We offer competitive pay, good benefits and an attractive severance package."

'Sometimes, instead of trying to fix a problem, it's easier to hire a scapegoat.'

"I just need help getting started. A little seed money."

Help wanted. Various positions available.

'I'm sorry, but you have a very impressive resume, and at this company, we find competence threatening.'

'We did a background check on this guy and he came up squeaky clean... just what is he trying to hide anyway?'

"We want someone who can multitask. During our interview I'd like you to fill out those forms and have a physical."

Thanks, I'd like to accept the job, but what is the salary? Sorry, it's against company policy to disclose that!

Job interview.

'All I ask for is an unfair advantage.'

'Please excuse my mother, this is my first interview.'

"Very impressive. Leave it with me. Mommy will get back to you by the week."

'31 years in graphic design eh, so I shouldn't be surprised you've retouched your photo on your CV.'

"I have to quit for health reasons. I'm sick of working here."

Personnel: 'We're hoping to find someone who can help us turn things around.'

"You'll have no problem squeezing 80 hours into a 30 hour week."

'Tell me. Did the 253 internships come before or after the Ph.D in English?'

'...I know just the man, I'll send him right over.'

"This position may call for some occasional plumbing."

'What's the point of being guaranteed an education if I'm not guaranteed a job.'

Cycle of Professional Development

"I'm looking for something to tide me over in the awkward period between student loans and social security."

"I suppose my one weakness is I'm far too forthright, Tubby."

'Thanks for coming in. Whoever gets the job will call you next week and let you know our decision.'

Our employment ad said goal oriented, not goalie.

'Regarding the job opening, we received your voice mail...and we don't care for your voice.'

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

'Have you any gathering experience?'

"My name? Is this a 'Gotcha' question?"

"For the first year, you get a cost-of-living raise every three months. Then, you hit the donut hole."

Waiter: 'I'm not really a waiter, I'm an actor. I'll act like I'm waiting on you.'

'I exaggerated on my resume and I was still underqualified.'

'Next thing I'll need from you is a sample. Writing or urine - your choice.'