Job Seeking Gifts

'You're exactly the kind of applicant we're looking for.'

'Sometimes, instead of trying to fix a problem, it's easier to hire a scapegoat.'

"We offer competitive pay, good benefits and an attractive severance package."

"I just need help getting started. A little seed money."

Help wanted. Various positions available.

'We did a background check on this guy and he came up squeaky clean... just what is he trying to hide anyway?'

'I'm sorry, but you have a very impressive resume, and at this company, we find competence threatening.'

"We want someone who can multitask. During our interview I'd like you to fill out those forms and have a physical."

Thanks, I'd like to accept the job, but what is the salary? Sorry, it's against company policy to disclose that!

'All I ask for is an unfair advantage.'

'Please excuse my mother, this is my first interview.'

Job interview.

"This position may call for some occasional plumbing."

"You'll have no problem squeezing 80 hours into a 30 hour week."

"I have to quit for health reasons. I'm sick of working here."

"Very impressive. Leave it with me. Mommy will get back to you by the week."

'Tell me. Did the 253 internships come before or after the Ph.D in English?'

Personnel: 'We're hoping to find someone who can help us turn things around.'

'...I know just the man, I'll send him right over.'

'31 years in graphic design eh, so I shouldn't be surprised you've retouched your photo on your CV.'

"I suppose my one weakness is I'm far too forthright, Tubby."

'What's the point of being guaranteed an education if I'm not guaranteed a job.'

'Thanks for coming in. Whoever gets the job will call you next week and let you know our decision.'

"I'm looking for something to tide me over in the awkward period between student loans and social security."

Cycle of Professional Development

"My name? Is this a 'Gotcha' question?"

'Regarding the job opening, we received your voice mail...and we don't care for your voice.'

Employment - 'I've tried public and private. Got any other sectors?'

'Find two or three alumni who actually have jobs and profile them as success stories.'

'I exaggerated on my resume and I was still underqualified.'

'Have you any gathering experience?'

'I don't have a traditional resume, but I do have this DVD featuring me in a number of amusing office bloopers from my previous job.'

"For the first year, you get a cost-of-living raise every three months. Then, you hit the donut hole."

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

'Next thing I'll need from you is a sample. Writing or urine - your choice.'