Job Search Gifts

"Tell me about a time you identified a problem that others didn't see coming."

"Sorry, you are simply not the right man for the job."

Struggling Scientist, Please cite my papers.

'Someone important is bound to see my resume now!'

'Thanks for coming in. We'll get back to you as soon as we lower our expectations.'

'My strength lies in my ability to deny my weaknesses.'

"What made this guy stand out?" "He applied."

'Where do I see myself in five years? If you ask one more stupid question, prison.'

"Based on your resume you're not really qualified for the job...but there's just something about you I like!"

'You're exactly the kind of applicant we're looking for.'

"At the moment I'm torn between the emotionally rewarding but poorly resourced role of a social worker or a more intellectualy rigorous career in quantum physics."

The key to landing a good job is patience, persistence and timing. And networking.

'Besides a great smile, do you have any other qualifications we could consider?'

"I really believe my research abilities would be an asset to whatever this company is called."

"Your resume is excellent, but your Facebook lacks the imagination we want in a new employee."

'Oh!...You did dress up for the interview.'

'Yes, I received your resume that you emailed. I ran a fact check and I was wondering if you know that a half truth is a whole lie.'

"Can I put in a claim for interview trauma compensation?"

'Vicious, intelligent and ruthless? Certainly. But I think my biggest asset is that I'm a survivor!'

Over enthusiastic headhunter

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

Psychometric testing: "Of course the tests are nonsense but we're working on the basis that anyone who can be bothered to complete all 148 of them MUST be highly motivated."

Phil blows his interview before even sitting down.

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"When did you say you left school?"

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

"I see from your resume you spent fore years at bizness skool."

'We'll keep your application on file and if we ever lower our standards...'

'I think I'm right for this job because I'm a real people person. Now are you going to hire me or not? I don't have all freakin' day!'

'If he has a pulse, hire him!'

"We only hire temps, and you have a look of permanence about you."

'I just don't get it. I've applied for over 200 jobs, but I've never even got a call back.'

'I'm happy to report that the position has been narrowed down to you and 958 other people.'

'I looked over your resume and the good news is I like the paper it was typed on. Do you really want to know the bad news?'

'I must say, Bob, your resume is concise.'