Jobseeker Gifts

'I put the boss on hold to take another call,'

Careers guidance

"I'm good at ticking boxes."

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"He's having a hard time finding work."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"He might not have got the job with Google, but they weren't going to stop Brian skateboarding to the office."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

'We manufacture micro computing circuits. We're looking to hire someone who can anticipate the next small thing.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'So Kyle - have you considered the challenges of van driving?'

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'A depressing thought just came over me. Now we'll have to go out and get a job!'

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

How are you at decision making?

'I'm sure that you are highly qualified. It's just that we're not hiring anyone at the third grade level.'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

"The only hobby we tolerate is working on weekends."

"Don't get the wrong idea about those years in a mental institution. I was employed there."

Do you have any other skills?

"I'd like to TikTok your offer and get comments before saying yes or no."

"I don't like your application."

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

Between Offices

Perks Featured in Vacancy at Toy Company

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'