Job Candidate Pillows

'They tell me you're quiet intuitive.'

"I'm sensing confidence, boldness, and moral sensibility. You're not going to turn out to be a whistleblower, are you?"

'Vicious, intelligent and ruthless? Certainly. But I think my biggest asset is that I'm a survivor!'

'Basically, we're looking for cost-effective, efficient tried and true ideas that look like bold innovation thinking while not scaring the poop out of everyone.'

"I'm not used to communicating face-to-face. Can we conduct this interview via text?"

"errrm..I think I'll phone a friend."

"...but what we're looking for is ability"

'I'm sorry, but you have a very impressive resume, and at this company, we find competence threatening.'

What to disclose at a job interview

"Any other strengths?"

'Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.'

"Now tell me about yourself in a ten second sound bite."

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

'How good are you at throwing money?'

"So you wouldn't be interrupted while interviewing me, I took the liberty of calling in a bomb threat."

'You're on the shortlist. It's between you and the bloke who's going to get the job.'

'I can't take the position until I overcome inertia.'

We can't top your previous salary, but we can give you a more prestigious email address.

'So, Bob, I hear you're good at compartmentalizing!'

"...before we hire you for this position, Frank, we'd like you to perform one more task."

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

"We don't have a gym, but your parking space is six miles away."

"Your policy of equal pay for equal work is commendable, but my work is superior."

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"You may be over qualified."

"As a company, and as individuals, we are without irony. Will that bother you?"

'Thank you for your time, Sir, and I must disagree with the other finalists, I don't find you a pompous bore at all.'

"I can see from your résumé that you're a man."

'We've decided to hire you because we just don't have the guts to tell you 'no'.'

'You want paid a lot, we'll pay you a little. You want to start off at the top, we'll start you off at the bottom. When can you start.'

"You appear well versed in industry practices, but meet us at the hotel bar for trivia so we can determine the broader range of your knowledge."

'I can't put my finger on it, but there's something about him I really like!'

"Well, you're both strong candidates with very similar résumés so we've decided to settle the matter through hand to hand combat."

'You made an excellent first impression, Fenstrom, but the second and third impressions nullified that first impressiom.'

"I see under special skills you listed 'multitasking'."