Job Application Pillows

"What made this guy stand out?" "He applied."

"...and I'm proficient in two languages ? English and text messaging."

'The grammar's awful and the spelling's atrocious - otherwise it's an impressive CV.'

"You're the type who'll make me prove every claim I make."

'Your Letter of Recommendation from the outlaw biker gang, the Devil's Serpents, was certainly complimentary...but it does raise other questions.'

"Are all these letters of recommendation from your mother?"

"RAF Recruitment Waiting Room."

"ermm...I think I'll phone a friend"

'We're not looking for someone with good leadership qualities so much as we're looking for someone with good herding instincts.'

'We did a background check on this guy and he came up squeaky clean... just what is he trying to hide anyway?'

"I'm looking for one highly competitve sales representative"

'Let's see, it says here that you've had a lot of corporate accounting experience...'

'Let's hear you talk the talk... can you say 'No' in Spanish, Russian, French, German, Chinese, Thai...?'

"I'll have to get someone younger to look at your résumé. I'm not fluent in emoji."

'We are an environmentally sensitive organization. We will have to do a background check on the size of your carbon footprint before we can make an offer of employment.'

'He may have a PhD in elementary particle physics, but he's having an awful lot of trouble with the application form.'

'You're exactly the kind of person we'd like to hire - to be replaced by a computer.'

'It says here you were finance manager for your fellow inmates on cell block 3. This does raise other concerns.'

"Hi Mom...do you remember in which grade I was given an award for my excellent performance of the song about little ducks?"

'Okay, that's enough of your work history.'

"My greatest asset is my ability to tell you exactly what you want to hear."

'Yes it's a long and illustrious family tree Mr Yousif, but what I really need from you is a passport.'

"I yam what I yam an' tha's all I yam!' What the hell kind of resume is that."

Qualifications

"As a company, and as individuals, we are without irony. Will that bother you?"

'I went to Harvard until they found out I was there.'

Woman applying for a job in the oil business.

'Let's see...a degree in computer science...working for two years...ah I see you do well with electronic games, with a high score of 280,000 in Galactic Invasion.'

'I must say, I do like your resume.'

'Excellent at juggling multiple job duties.'

'Trubshaw, your application for the serious crime squad has been rejected!'

He may have a PH.D in elementary particle physics, but he's having an awful lot of trouble with the application form.

'Congratulations. Our employment application screening software was no match for your employment application submission software.'

'You're not what we hand in mind when we advertised for a new organist.'

'Good morning Mr. Jason. Apparently you're the only applicant to show up for the interview.'