Hiring Gifts

"I'll have to get someone younger to look at your résumé. I'm not fluent in emoji."

'You're exactly the kind of person we'd like to hire - to be replaced by a computer.'

'We will need a standard resume in addition to this beautiful needlepoint recommendation from your mother.'

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

'This is the worst resume I've ever seen!'

'I must say, I do like your resume.'

A lady interviewing a new cook.

'I'm looking for a 'yes' man, but your work with 'I totally agree' and 'You're absolutely correct' is outstanding!'

The good, the bad & the ugly.

'Fantastic CV, masses of experience...shame she wanted paying!'

'This resume looks familiar. Were we once married to each other?'

"Your education in business and management is impressive, but I'm hesitant to put you in a leadership position now that I see you're a lemming."

'Sorry, but we need someone willing to evolve.'

"Get me a young fellah-me-lad with a jib I like the cut of."

'I forgot to ask her employment history -- I got bogged won in 'distinguishing personal characteristics.''

"What have you done besides the usual Eskimo things?"

"You are hired."

"Sorry, I'm looking for someone with a twinkle in the eye."

"Wikipedia does not count as a reference in resumes."

"Favoritism is not included in our equal opportunity clause."

"I've learned something in this trial. My firm needs to hire that prosecutor."

'I'll hire the first kid who doesn't call me 'dude.' '

InOut, Resumes in the bin.

'I think we have exactly the kind of 'Delusions of Grandeur' we've been looking for in our billing department.'

'All our computers are broken down. Hire five-thousand people for the next couple days.'

'You'd be right for us if we decide to lower our standards.'

'No problem. Intelligence, experience, and motivation are more important than species.'

No longer taking applications. We've gone hireless.

'We could use someone with your brains around here. When can you start?'

'Early parole with an ankle bracelet means I can work well unsupervised.'

'Maybe we should have been a bit more specific in the ad...'

Meet New VP Hiring & Firing

"Who are you hiring? The one whose CV has spelling errors, food stains or printed using a dot-matrix printer?"

"It just so happens, we're in need of a Miracle Worker."

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."