Hiring Practices Gifts

"That's not how we go about filling a C.E.O. position."

'I see you're highly intelligent. That's fine for academia, but here in the real world we're looking for people with common sense.'

"...and if we need someone with an earrings, I'll be in touch."

'It's a very impressive resume. Unfortunately, at this company we find competence threatening.'

"What I'm looking for is a man smart enough to do the job and dumb enough to take it for the money we're offering."

'...And for the low visibility positions we can bring people on board who can, you know...do things.'

Job Application

'It's a certificate of recognition for my good record of hiring the handicapped.'

'I want someone who is smart, cunning and ruthless, but also someone who is too dumb to try for my job.'

Hiree to Coffee Company Hirer: 'What are the perks?'

Outer Space Outsourcing

"Well he was undoubtedly the best candidate but unfortunately he wasn't my son."

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

"I'm going to need a little more for the root cause than, who'da thunk."

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"OK, you're good and just the guy we need in security."

"How should we divide the teams?"

"So what makes you think you're qualified for this job?"

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

Personnel - "This letter of recommendation is full of misspellings!"

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Impressive resume, We'll verify it through Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr and get back to you,'

'I'll be honest with you. The pay isn't great.'