Hiring Officer Gifts

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"I see myself in a position where mediocrity is rewarded."

"And, finally, are you now or have you ever been disgruntled?"

"40 hours?? ... All in one week?"

"This is Mr Smith, he's our new recruitment expert."

"Logistically impressive Hodges, but does this qualify you for a leadership role in the company?"

"What can you do that my smartphone can't?"

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

"Why do I want this job? Because I'm really tired of filling out employmemt application forms!!"

"Our standards are so high we only hire people who do crossword puzzles in ink."

"All social work staff are now required to have appropriate qualifications...Norman's is in accountancy!"

"I'm concerned your excellent qualifications might offer less opportunity for saying crap behind your back and could thus negatively impact company morale."

"And look! I have my own nail file!"

"Very impressive - a graduate of clown college and Trump University."

"Are you willing to travel?"

"Whoever you are, you're hired."

"I'll be frank - we offered it to Mario Cuomo first, but he turned it down."

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Outer Space Outsourcing

"So, the Scharfs have an atoll. Big deal."

'It's a lateral move, you'll now be getting all of Kramer's work too.'

"I'm sorry, but we're looking for someone who's more likely to be followed than following."

"So what makes you think you're qualified for this job?"

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

Personnel - "This letter of recommendation is full of misspellings!"

A very young man being hired as a groom.

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."