Getting Hired Gifts

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

Well done, Plimpton. You're hired.

'Why did you offer the job to this one?'

'I see an applicant being hired!'

'I blame the nothing for something culture.'

"OK, you're good and just the guy we need in security."

Employed Perfume: For that 'Just Hired' smell.

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

'I have this fear of the real world...'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"He's having a hard time finding work."

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

Outer Space Outsourcing

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

The Rubber Ball Company

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

Good Luck!

'Now then - I just wanted to see how you handle pressure, Mr. Boyle.'

'A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer.'

How are you at decision making?

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'A depressing thought just came over me. Now we'll have to go out and get a job!'

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

"So what makes you think you're qualified for this job?"

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'...we have every new employee spend time on our assembly line. Eight hours, no breaks.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

"I have a Bachelor's degree from Columbia, an MBA from Stanford, six years experience, and I'm a hell of a mouser."

"Don't get the wrong idea about those years in a mental institution. I was employed there."

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'