Getting A New Job Gifts

'How long have you been unemployed? I have never seen a resume prepared in needlepoint.'

"Welcome abroad, Andrews. Now just see personnel on twelve, and antlers on fifteen."

Suddenly, and without warning, Ed realised his job interview had turned into a car crash.

'We're not looking for someone who wants to run with the wolves. We're looking for someone who wants to run over them.'

'Congratulations. Our employment application screening software was no match for your employment application submission software.'

"Congratulations! You're hired!"

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

'There, but for the grace of an ironclad contract go I.'

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"Well, you're the least experienced candidate, but you're the only one who understands social media. Congratulations, the job is yours."

'A 'pink slip'? Oh, Mr. Anderson, I never knew you thought of me that way.'

'I've decided to make you someone else's problem.'

"That's what I like about you, Abrams, you don't let a little illness keep you off the job."

'A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer.'

"You don't find a style. A style finds you."

"Wow. Suddenly I've got fever, cough, sore throat, runny nose, headaches and body aches, chills, and fatigue."

"Here we use the email term 'out of the office', not 'away lazing on a Spanish beach, without a care in the world.'"

Check's in the mail...

"I never said they were well-compensated. I just said they were paid handsomely."

'Absent friends!'

A sign you're not applying at a fortune 500 company...

"Charlie Greider... that rascal! I had a sneaking suspicion he'd be shedding his skin and moving on to a bigger company before too long!"

"Hmmm...impressive CV! Y'know, I have a feeling that you'll go far in this company...."

"Damn tail... now he's going to ask for more money."

Worried or single?

"It's so great to be totally away from work that I'm going to move this vacation from the liability column over to assets."

'We run an impressive wage disparity scheme here.'

"I have to tell you you were not my first choice for this job."

"Sorry, Lombdard - the shadow stays."

That Awkward Moment When You Discover That Wall Street's Insanity Is Helping You

"Stupid HR says you can only fire them..."

"I guessed my way to a perfect score on the GMAT, then I guessed my way through grad school and several middle management jobs...."

'Hmm... He is remarkably dumb! He would be perfect for our new test-marketing position!'

"Congrats -after twenty five years we've finally got you a job in a clock factory!"

"Now that I got the job, mind if I ring my bookie to tell him it's all ok?"