Employment Practices Gifts

'I don't want just a bunch of 'yes' men around here! Hire a couple of women!'

"When we hired you, Bob, you assured us you had experience stacking cans!"

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'I should not that the cherry and whipped cream were an afterthought created by our graphics dept.'

In/Out/These Things Happen.

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

'The lads at the office still talk about the day you told the boss what to do with his job...'

Outer Space Outsourcing

37 years in the same position.

"I'm going to need a little more for the root cause than, who'da thunk."

Business meeting, CEO is dressed strangely as he asks: 'Any questions?'

'Is that the sweet smell of success or some imitation air freshener?'

"We're a very small international conglomerate."

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

"Oh, we're not religious. We only go on the solstices and equinoxes."

'If corporate lawyers are a dime a dozen, where are the other ten?'

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

I'm a self-made man!

'These are job perks.'

Recruiting litigation lawyers is ALWAYS tricky..my last one took me to court for the emotional and professional damage I caused him by NOT considering him for a position I wasn't asked to fill.

'Bad news, sir -- there's a leak in our think tank!'

'Pick a contract...any contract!'

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

'Go right in -- he's expecting you.'

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

'That large, rolled up newspaper is a reminder - mess up in this office and you'll pay the price.'

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

'Here's another one that'll make you blow your stack.'

'Please leave the light on, dear. I'm afraid there might be OSHA inspectors under the bed.' 'Managers at Night.'