Employment Gifts

'Pick a contract...any contract!'

We can offer volunteers a range of experiences including exhaustion,emotional overload,lack of support and stark terror.

"So what makes you think you're the right person for this post?" "Well, I'm highly motivated, outgoing and independently minded. Isn't that right, Dad?"

'Yes, I received your resume that you emailed. I ran a fact check and I was wondering if you know that a half truth is a whole lie.'

"Any experience?"

Help wanted - Better help wanted.

"I know you're a working dog, Angus. I just don't have anything for you right now."

'It's a little chilly in here. Throw another batch of resumes we have on file in the fire.'

'We'd like to pay you what you're worth, too, Fenstrom. Unfortunately we must conform to the minimum wage law.'

"We have only jobs here, Mr. Sanderson, not 'gigs.' "

"The ad said you're looking for support staff. Could you be more specific?"

'We'll be in touch. I still have to interview a few other applicants.'

'Your ad said you were looking for a people person.'

'You know, you're a very expensive employee because we have to contribute to nine retirement and life insurance plans for you.'

'I'm a wife, a daughter, a working mother...and you're asking me if I can MULTI-TASK???'

'My stretch goal for this year is to get 52 weekly paychecks.'

"Early retirement is an OK long-term goal, Kevin, but most folks need to get a job first."

"If you're wondering why you've been chosen 'Employee of the week,' it's because your work load is about to increase, while your pay remains the same."

"Sorry, but no. I can't lend you a student to help clean up your yard."

'As my subordinate, naturally I expect you to take the heat on things that otherwise would make me uncomfortable.'

"I've given you a glowing reference, Hempson. And here's the disclaimer to go with it."

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

Job centre - casual jobs; rotten, insecure low-paid jobs;dull, boring, repetitive jobs; Jobs that no-one in their right mind would consider.

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"I'm leaving my job so that I can spend time with another job."

Employment agencies preference for migrant workers.

'We need your exact age...'Woodstock Generation' isn't specific enough.'

'Behold,a cross section of our workforce: the energy of youth mixed with the wisdom of years.'

"Before we hire you, we'd like you to sign this non-compete agreement. It basically states that you won't work anywhere else for the rest of your life."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

"In the interest of full disclosure I have to tell you that you'll be working life crushing hours for half the pay you deserve."

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

'Why yes, the resume is a very important basis for who we hire.'

'When I used to harass non-union workers, they would just quit! Now, with the union, they file a grievance!'