Jobs Gifts

Lunch break.

'Your resume is quite impressive. However, I'm a little concerned about you biting your last four bosses.'

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

Getting through the week.

"I'm not worried about you, Henley. You'll land on your feet."

'I'm going to write a salary figure on this piece of paper. You tell me if it is acceptable or too high.'

'No, but you can fill out the application.'

Doctor to man: 'You're a workaholic - you tested positive for elbow grease.'

'Limburger, I need you to start stinking outside the box.'

"Naps. Do you have anything in naps?"

'Thank you for attending the interview Mr Jones. And if we do ever have a vacancy for a no-hoper, I'll be in touch.'

"You'll have to decide - become either an upholsterer or a re-upholsterer."

'The way I see it, Lisa, we both went after the same job, you got the job, but we still have each other, right? Lisa? . . .'

'Your career is a change management textbook.'

'This has to be in Des Moines by Friday.', 'Are you trying to tell me how to do my job?'

Following in father's footsteps

'He's here to apply for the bouncer job.'

"Gurkenman, inland revenue. We're always looking for talented guys like you! Do you want a job?"

"I found the perfect summer job! 'Greet people at retail store. Company uniform required. Must be able to carry small children.' How hard can that be?"

"Great news honey. I got that job with the highway department."

'You can name your own salary here, provided that it's not a LONG name.'

'No, Johnny - first you punch the airholes, and then you put in the hamster!'

"I don't need your resume. Your current employer forwarded me a ton of security video that you're featured in."

'I don't care what the job pays and I don't care what the job is.'

'Mom, Dad, it's nice of you to visit me at the store, but you know, I am working.'

'Hello dear - I've had a very depressing day.'

"Sure it looks good from the outside, but you try bob, bob, bobbin' along, day in, day out."

'Of course you're overworked and underpaid! Didn't you read the fine print in your employee's contract?'

Office worker balloon.

"A signing bonus, a raise, a promotion, a layoff -- you've had an entire career in six months."

"Are you willing to relocate?"

The job is yours - I called your references and they all said you're a good boy.

I avoided the layoff, but they transferred me to the high-wire act. At least it's steady work.

I see you survived your furlough. It had its up side. I really liked the 'no work' part. What other part is there? The 'no pay' part. Odd. That's our CEO's favorite.

Sports metaphors