Employers Gifts

"Tom, mentoring is more than encouraging people to be just like you."

'An MBA from Harvard is quite impressive. But you'll still have to start off at the bottom here. You start serving coffee in the cafeteria on Monday.'

"You don't mind the psychometric test, do you?"

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

Boss about employee: 'He has a spark of genius, but he also has ignition problems.'

'I only need a job until I win the lottery.'

"Briggs is running our stress at work assessment."

"They didn't give me a watch - they just told me what time it was."

"You have a great resume... experience... education... history... but there is one thing we'd like to see that you don't have..." "A birth certificate issued sometime around 1975."

"Paid leave? You're doing well to get paid for when you're here."

'The budget doesn't allow for a Christmas party . . . . .'

We should promote many of our staff to management positions...

'Any other messages, Ms. Richards?'

'This is a computer company.. we need somebody with more than just great penmanship.'

'Are you the genius who came up with the 'Alternative Payment' program?'

"Sorry boss - can't get in today - I'm snowed in."

'Your resume is excellent, Dave. however your facebook page shows your lack of innovation that we're seeking.'

'Find out who he is and why we haven't got to him yet.'

'Henderson likes to keep a low profile.'

I have an opening for someone like you. It's called a door.

'Miss Wayson, find out who put this computer on my desk and tell them to get it the hell out of here!'

'I am not my job... my job is not me... I do not need my job to give my life a purpose...' 'Hey, did you hear the news? We're all laid off!' 'Stupid affirmations!'

'I'm not saying that "women-run" businesses are perfect....'

"It's a company car. They gave it to me right before I stopped showing up for work."

'We can't let the girl on work experience go, she is the only one who can change a ink cartridge.'

'The good news is that I'm prepared to offer you a six figure annual salary. The bad news is that it includes the decimal.'

'The payroll checks didn't come in, but don't worry. I'm dipping into my son's weekly allowance to make sure you all get paid.'

'I'm afraid we'll have to let you go Hopkins. Before you get this company a sexual harrassment case!'

'Employers' hugging a huge piggy bank handed down from 'Workers comp reform'.

'This CD is the number one from the management charts. It's called 'The whining and whimpering of those who got the pink slip'.'

In case of emergency, break glass.

"Well, we tried the carrot and stick approach. Get rid of the carrot."

"It's not like I'm doing away with your health benefits. I'm just asking YOU to pay for it."

"I'll do anything, up to, but not including, communicating with you, to make you feel better."

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."