Career Hunting Gifts

"The labor market is awaiting you!"

"It says here that you're looking for a temporary position. Would caddy for me today be temporary enough?"

Day one, post grad

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'I have this fear of the real world...'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"He's having a hard time finding work."

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"He might not have got the job with Google, but they weren't going to stop Brian skateboarding to the office."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

'We manufacture micro computing circuits. We're looking to hire someone who can anticipate the next small thing.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Now then - I just wanted to see how you handle pressure, Mr. Boyle.'

Good Luck!

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'A depressing thought just came over me. Now we'll have to go out and get a job!'

How are you at decision making?

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'So Kyle - have you considered the challenges of van driving?'

"So what makes you think you're qualified for this job?"

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

'...we have every new employee spend time on our assembly line. Eight hours, no breaks.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

"Don't get the wrong idea about those years in a mental institution. I was employed there."

"I have a Bachelor's degree from Columbia, an MBA from Stanford, six years experience, and I'm a hell of a mouser."

JOIN THE BOY SCOUTS HERE!, ''Trustworthy, friendly, loyal, helpful, kind, courteous, brave, thrifty, obedient and cheerful' -- This is going to look GREAT on my resume!'

'Think of this as a window of opportunity.'

"The only hobby we tolerate is working on weekends."