Job Consultant Gifts

Over enthusiastic headhunter

"Sorry, no positions are available at this...Wait a minute...something just opened up."

"Why don't you become a boxer? Haha, just kidding!"

I was married to my job and suddenly there was a love triangle.

Career Analyst "Well I've looked at your file and yes, your job is rubbish"

"Being unable to clearly articulate responses to questions, is a common interview mistake. . ."

"Can you tell me about a time when you saved your interviewer from making a catastrophically poor decision that tanked his career and nearly bankrupted the business?"

Job center

'What bothers me about these meetings is even though it's work, I have the nagging feeling I ought to leave and get back to work.'

"Looks like we found the issue."

'Why is it that nothing ever gets done at these meetings?'

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

'You forget, I'm a blackbelt in powerpoint.'

'And were there a point to your proposal, Henderson - What would it be?'

"Forget five-year plans. Let's just figure out how to make it to lunch."

"And need I remind you, the 'art of the deal' is the lifeblood of this company."

'Now that I have your attention...'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

"These projections don't make sparkles shoot out my ass."

Golly, �1m a year isn't too much. I don't know why your shareholders don't understand you.

The Businessmen Have to Make Decisions from Many Options

British savings accounts

"My email is down... talk to me."

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"Stock options for your thoughts."

Businesswoman Empowerment

"Miracles happen, gentlemen, but they don't come cheap."

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.