Consultants Gifts

"I'll start thinking outside the box when the box is empty."

'I'm still not sure HOW it happened. One minute, we were bouncing ideas off each other, and the next thing I knew, we were using furniture instead!'

Boss: 'Change is good!' Employees: 'Who's getting fired?'

'That's it, in a nutshell.'

'You think I'm crazy; I think you're crazy...finally some common ground!'

Experts in their field.

'I need to borrow your Ph.D. for a half hour tomorrow. I have a major problem to solve.'

'To help our brainstorming, John's going to bang his drum and scream at the top of his lungs.'

Imitate me, formerly 'Think'.

Think Tank, we are looking to hire 'free thinkers' because our budget has been cut.

"We offer a generous flex time policy - you can work your 90 hours per week any way you'd like."

Health MOT's will attract 'worried well'

'These business meetings are like panda matings...The expectations are always high, but the results are usually disappointing.'

"...then there is business Plan 'C', that does involve robbing a bank."

'How can we see our service through our client's eyes?'

'Fortunately, our decline was slowed here when the marker ran dry.'

"Having concluded a thorough review of your management of the 'test and trace' and vaccination programmes we have concluded that you're a bit s**t... That''ll be £450,000."

A successful meeting! Only one member left in a rage shouting obcenities.

'I just found out that, instead of God, I've been talking to a temp!'

'Try and be negative in a positive way.'

"As you can see, our market research shows that you should me spending more on market research."

'I'd like to get your unvarnished, honest concurrence on something....'

'Surround our project with lots of useless extras so our critics have something to pick at while we ram our proposals through.'

"Oh dear...I don't think negotiations are going too well..."

"Well, we can tackle this now when we're exhausted from the week or wait until Monday when we're exhausted from the weekend."

"Business is looking up. It's staring into the void."

MANAGEMENT...Many organisms respond to a lack of competition by increasing in size.

"C'mon people! All for me and me for me!"

"I say we don't dig any deeper. We have enough to deal with without knowing the truth!"

"If it gets tense in here I might need you to step up and BS-calate things."

"For cryin' out loud, are you signing up or not?"

"Bob takes too long to make a decision. Let's ask Phil."

'I realize I'm making a huge salary... but I gotta be me.'

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'