Consulting Gifts

"We need to rethink our strategy of hoping the Internet will just go away."

'That's not bad. But most of the other consulatnats gave us mission statemens with more detail.'

'This is a 'placebo' line. It serves no purpose but it makes us feel good.'

'These are some great solutions we've come up with, Ed. See if we have any problems they'll solve.'

"The consultants we brought in to monitor the consultants who are looking into our cutting back on consultants are recommending specialist consultants."

"Your solution is far too simple for a real expert..."

'We've broken your list into eighty-four subgroups. Our work here is done.'

'I have identified 240 stages of organizational change. Before I discuss them, coffee anyone?'

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."

'My standard consulting fee is $1000, but I can give you some harebrained ideas for $250.'

'I think I've spotted our problem.' (too many consultants)

"Did you hire a consultant? I didn't hire a consultant."

Office Canteen: 'Getting in a consultant is win-win for us... we'll get the credit if it's a success - but, if it all goes wrong, we've got someone else to blame!'

'An expert is one who knows tomorrow why the things he said yesterday didn't happen today.'

"Excuse me a moment, whilst I just change hats."

"It just happens...one day you wake up and you find that your best billable hours are behind you."

'The risk management consultant submitted his report. Basically, he suggests that we adopt a policy of risk aversion.'

'We're going to parachute in adn do a surprise audit, but I want to keep the whole thing low key.'

'We were in the right place at the right time, but unfortunately, we were in the wrong time zone.'

'Someday this will all be done by consultants.'

'That's an innovative idea...but we would never consider it. It hasn't been done before.'

'We like the teamwork idea, but Mr. Superstar won't let us play with his ball.'

'Hunting and gathering doesn't sound very interesting, so I have decided to become a consultant.'

"I read your management consultancy report and it proves conclusively that you don't know what you're talking about."

'Here's a composite of our target consumer.'

'We're going to be experiencing some pain today. We're removing the band-aid we put on the problem.'

"The proposal sounds good. Of course, I still have to run it by my people over at the Psychic Friends Network."

Imitate me, formerly 'Think'.

"My firm has scrutinised your accounts and determined you could save a fortune by the sacking us...that'll be £300,000 please!"

"Since I retired, I've been doing some part-time consulting for a younger predators' group."

"Yes, I specialize in helping people like through the changes ahead: Change is good if you embrace it..."

'It basically boils down to you need to do stuff better.'

"...but the big question is, does the competition know that we don't know what we don't know?"

'The consultant's report concludes that our organization suffers from a culture of indecision. I don't agree but perhaps he's right.'

They used the Good Small Business Coach, Bad Small Business Coach Approach.