Business Consulting Gifts

An hour's free consultation...

'Let's start with an x-ray of your organisation culture.'

"I work with start-up tech companies that are in the idea stage and help them mature into full-blown concepts!"

"The accountant is here to see you Mr Smith."

'In layman's terms, you appear to be suffering from the 'ghosts of mergers past'.'

"Yes Sir, we'll schedule everything meticulously: your project will be delivered on time and on budget..."

"We had to lay off most of the staff to pay for the consultants."

"The time management consultant rang to say he's running late!"

"It's from our 'Time Management' trainer. He's double booked and can't come!"

'Let's go in. While I shop, you can tell them where they went wrong.'

"I told you not to hire that stupid efficiency expert!"

"You can't swim? I'm a consultant - can I get you the latest statistics on drowning?"

"Goodbye, masked consultant. And thanks for reducing our inefficiencies."

"As you can see, our market research shows that you should me spending more on market research."

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

'And were there a point to your proposal, Henderson - What would it be?'

"Forget five-year plans. Let's just figure out how to make it to lunch."

'Now that I have your attention...'

"And need I remind you, the 'art of the deal' is the lifeblood of this company."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"My email is down... talk to me."

British savings accounts

"Stock options for your thoughts."

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

Golly, �1m a year isn't too much. I don't know why your shareholders don't understand you.

The Businessmen Have to Make Decisions from Many Options

"Miracles happen, gentlemen, but they don't come cheap."

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"This is not permanent...we'll be back as soon as things start to look up."

'The check is in the email attachment.'

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."