Employment Consulting Gifts

Resume Consultant. Listing professional development courses you've taken since your last job was fine, but don't put"New & Improved" above your name.

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

'And were there a point to your proposal, Henderson - What would it be?'

"Stock options for your thoughts."

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

The Businessmen Have to Make Decisions from Many Options

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'This is a 'placebo' line. It serves no purpose but it makes us feel good.'

"...but the big question is, does the competition know that we don't know what we don't know?"

Time Is Money

'I've already been recruited by one of the top fast-food chains in the country!'

'Gentlemen, we need a slogan!'

"Give a man a fish and you feed him for the day. Teach a man to fish and you can charge a consulting fee."

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

Personally, I was hoping for more from the intermediary process.'

'An exxpert team set up a team of special consultants, that then set up a committee whose members asked their 7 year old kids. Now 14 months later they've concluded we're not efficient enough.'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'...we have every new employee spend time on our assembly line. Eight hours, no breaks.'

"The anger management consultant said he wasn't going to alter his **** dates at this t****stage which fits in with the 'managing change' consultant who said it was to late to change her plans..."

'Inevitably, I come to work early, leave late and alienate everyone.'

"Now I'll demonstrate how, with a minimum of capital investment, you can make a mountain out of a molehill!"

"Excuse me a moment, whilst I just change hats."

"Just go with the workflow."

'We like your style, but hate your substance.'

"A few years ago, you management gurus told us to downsize until the halls echoed..."

'...And for the low visibility positions we can bring people on board who can, you know...do things.'

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

'We consult those with whom we agree, which is why I rarely consult my conscience.'

'Miss Finch, find out what she does over there and offer her twice as much to do it over here.'

"After an extensive analysis of your company's strengths and weaknesses our recommendation is to give us more money."

"What do you mean it's not 'Thong Thursday?'"

'Hunting and gathering doesn't sound very interesting, so I have decided to become a consultant.'