Workplace Consultant Gifts

Standardisation: "I don't understand...it fitted us OK!"

"Hands up anyone who thinks we have a problem with DIVERSITY?"

'Perhaps your pay lags behind that of humans because you sleep all day.'

STRIP *Community Care * Family-friendly policies

'… and I'm not sure what you're insinuating here Mrs. Collins, but we hired Ms. Tiffany here based on assets applicable to the job.'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

We've had to cancel the health and safety training on health and safety grounds!

Multi skilling costs jobs.

'Of course, at first, there was some resentment but now the chaps seem to have accepted things graciously.'

'I hope our new work coach is really hands on.'

Bureau of Missing Persons, "He works flextime and we have direct deposit, so it took me a few months to notice he was gone."

Mumble And Cry

"Hey sweetie, you're looking at the new VP of inclusion and diversity."

'What bothers me about these meetings is even though it's work, I have the nagging feeling I ought to leave and get back to work.'

"Looks like we found the issue."

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

'You forget, I'm a blackbelt in powerpoint.'

'And were there a point to your proposal, Henderson - What would it be?'

"Forget five-year plans. Let's just figure out how to make it to lunch."

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

"Stock options for your thoughts."

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

The Businessmen Have to Make Decisions from Many Options

"These projections don't make sparkles shoot out my ass."

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

Businesswoman Empowerment

"Miracles happen, gentlemen, but they don't come cheap."

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

Brian wanted to call the presentation "Synergy". Paula wanted to call it "Cooperation". They could never agree.

"Well, ordinary men have colleagues. Successful men have victims."

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

Project Length As Measured In Dog Years