Jehovah's Witness Gifts

"You're either Jehovah's Witnesses, double glazing salesmen or bogus meter readers!"

"Everything on our menu uses organic, locally sourced, graveyard-to-table ingredients."

'Normally, I hate a rush to judgement - but I'm doing this case pro bono.'

'No need to text me the answer to that. I'm right here.'

'God sees everything? You mean He channel surfs?'

'Let's see what they're screwing up today.'

'Tell the truth: does this affidavit make me look fat?'

'How did you EXPECT me to come back?'

'Are you sure you saw my client do it? Let me remind you, it takes one to know one.'

The Pope

"You will not gain any sympathy from this court by offering to give one-tenth of your haul to the Church."

'Slow down. . . okay. . . 'Do you solemnly swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god?''

"Truth, whole truth, nothing but the truth? I'm not ready for that much of a commitment."

Woman meets up with guru: 'Oh, there you are, honey. Dinner's getting cold.'

"Yeah, right, Noah. Like THAT'S gonna work!"

Olympic Sabbath Torch.

"The truth, the whole truth and a touch of double entendre to keep everybody on their toes."

The Good Samaritan.

"Yes, that's him there. The fellow making the finger-across-the-throat gesture."

'Have your daily bread every other day.'

''The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'? -- How patriarchal can you get?'

Submarine Sees Jesus Walking on Water

If you think you have caught a record fish...make sure you have a witness...

'Then there were 85 bottles of beer on the wall. We took one down and passed it around and after that, it's a complete blank.'

'You can't join the Federal Witness Protection program just to keep your friends from seeing your bald spot.'

Man sees line of priests entering Mass Transit Authority.

She's leaving me all her money.'

'I swear to tell the truth,the whole truth,and nothing but the truth, from my perspective.'

'Yes, that's him. That's the author of the book that grabbed me and wouldn't let go!'

'If you want to know what really happened, you'll have to buy my new book.'

"The whole truth? You won't settle for two percent or skim?"

"Son, God is invisible...That's how we know we are made in His Image."

'Counselor, you're bullying the witness.'

'As your Guardian Angel, I want you to know that death is not anything to worry about.'

'Objection! He keeps talking. How am I supposed to get his mouth right?'