Jailhouse Jokers Gifts

"The judge offered me a deal. Here for 30 days or a colonoscopy prep."

Werewolf Cellmate

'I said you're next, Hibblemeyer. . . Hibblemeyer!'

"The lettuce I paid with was fresher than the lettuce I bought."

"I'm innocent. I've just never been able to pass up a good plea bargain."

Prisoner Crossing

"One night in a moment of rage. . . I removed a 'Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law' tag from a pillow!"

"I had money problems- forged fivers the wrong colour!"

Yeah, yeah, yeah, framed by the cat - that's what we all say.

Actual reader mail. Dear Dr. Sadie, Bless you Doctor. I wrote you back last July and asked you if I could expand my grumpiness beyond getting up in the morning. I took your wonderful advice and now there isn't a neighbor, fellow employee or friend that's not fed up with me. You have given me a new existence and once I get out of this lousy jail I'll let the rest of the world know just how annoying I am. I owe it all to you, Sadie. If you ever need a testimonial, call me. Signed, An ol' stick in

'Sure I do bad things, but I do them in moderation.'

'I can't believe it! -- My own personal computer turned state's evidence!'

'I'm here for jumping my bond... Bail bond.'

'I was on 'AMERICA'S MOST WANTED', captured on 'COPS', tried on 'COURT TV' and sentenced to 10 years of basic cable.'

'Now then, Mr. Grumpypants, if we're to get along we'll have to turn that frown upside down...'

'Well, you're not acting like you have every confidence in me.'

'Equal protection of the law, my foot! -- That was RANK discrimination against bank robbers!'

'I tried to give a woman the Heimlich maneuver, and it turned out she was doing the Macarena.'

'I got six months for arson, and ten years for failing to file an environmental impact statement.'

'The Not so Great Escape.'

"They weren't very friendly when they proscuted me for obtaining loans under false names."

"Sorry I'm late, I had to do jail time."

At least you have security!

'It was sort of like a penalty for early withdrawal. The bank hadn't opened yet.'

Cartoonist draws bomb next to prisoner.

'True, you've been assigned a nobody lawyer but you're a nobody criminal!'

'Well, I hope you're a people person -- the prisons are very overcrowded.'

"Five to ten years of bad accordion music...OMG!"

'My first counterfeit dollar.'

'It's for you.'

'When I said 'I'm breaking out,' I meant that the food here is messing with my acne.'

''Stole a Smart Car. It picked me out of a lineup.'

'I got life plus three hundred years...I won't be eligible for parole for six months...'

'I've been a burglar, a blackmailer, a mugger, and an armed robber, but by gosh I've never been a LAWYER!'

"I cloned a guy in Reno. How 'bout yourself?"