Ivy League Hopefuls Gifts

'If you are not careful, son, you will be mathematically eliminated from all of the Ivy League schools.'

"I want a top education, but don't milk me dry with school fees."

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

"Gracie, I'm proud of you. Your team lost, but you tried your best and that's all that counts."

"No, I'm not the first in my family to attend college. But I am the first at an Ivy."

Ian McWit, Attorney at Law, Body by Joe's Gym, Mind by Harvard.

The 5 paragraph essay is sooo stupid. Why do we have to learn it? So you can get good SAT scores. That will get you into a good college, and then a good job. So you never have to write another 5-paragraph essay again.

"Oh, it's a grand day for Harvard!"

Not The Real Me

NFL linebackers are identified in early infancy and sent away to the secret academy until puberty.

Man and woman surrounded by ivy.

Ernie, I hear you're an amateur botanist who believes some plants are baseball fans. Yes, ivy plants root for the Chicago Cubs and dream of being in Wrigley Field themselves on day. King Ferns are fans of the Kansas City Royals. Cattails follow the Detroit Tigers. And Redwood trees are huge supporters of their local team in San Francisco. That makes sense. Giants love the Giants! Redwood trees are the team's biggest fans!

Yale shadow

"When I left Princeton, I spent a summer briefcasing in Europe."

"Why, it's Daphne—home from Foxcroft."

"I know you went to Harvard, but stop asking to see my resume."

'Yale's my first choice but any ivy school will do.'

Yale,Yale,Yale,Yale,Kale

"I think it's unquestionably the finest letter you've ever written to the 'Yale Alumni Magazine.'"

'Well, I don't happen to believe you went there.'

'I told my teacher I won't be returning to school...'

Harvard Waiting List

2 Guys from Harvard - Attorney-at-Law

Bumper Sticker Show Off.

'The teacher gave me a 'B' for coloring outside the lines. At this rate, I'll never get into Harvard!'

"I'm going to Princeton!"

'I think we've found your problem. It's a Yale lock, but you have a Harvard key.'

"Well, no, but I always rooted for them."

Brown - But My First Choice Was Yale.

"I went to a school is Boston."

"He likes to do it for the Yale-Harvard game."

'Yale's my first choice but any ivy school will do.'

Banked on a college degree without an NBA career to fall back on.

'Perfect, Lance! You couldn't be preppier!'

'Well, this is your lucky day, Sheedy.Go in for Moore... He just blew out his knee.'