Aspiring Ivy Leaguer Gifts

'Yale's my first choice but any ivy school will do.'

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

"I wanted to be a baseball player 'til I found out they send you to the showers."

My coach wants me to go to soccer camp. Focusing on one sport isn't good for you. But mom! I'll develop crucial life skills. Let's see. "Landing endorsements, agents and college sports scholarships." The definition of "crucial".

"I want a top education, but don't milk me dry with school fees."

'I know I'm still in the Juniors, but I already need a therapist.'

'Anything is possible in our great country, son. If an Afro-American can become president, a white man can become a pro basketball player.'

"Because when you're drafted by the pros, you'll have to be able to sign your contract. That's why you have to attend first grade."

Mr. K's essay is such a drag! Yeah, but I've got to do really well. Twig! You're such a grind! Am not! Life isn't only about grades. I know! But he's directing the spring musical. And my singing won't get me the part all by itself! English: Gateway to the Grammys.

"No, I'm not the first in my family to attend college. But I am the first at an Ivy."

Ian McWit, Attorney at Law, Body by Joe's Gym, Mind by Harvard.

'Hey guys?. . . Help us think what Dale could do for his '15 minutes of fame.''

A backup plan might be a good idea, in case 'being a celebrity' doesn't work out...

The Quack Quack Diaries: Quack Quack Writes A Top Ten Hit

'If you are not careful, son, you will be mathematically eliminated from all of the Ivy League schools.'

So close... Yet so far.

'It's great that you want a career in football, Timothy, but don't you think being a striker would be more fun than being a goalpost.'

'When you talk about playing, 'at the next level', you mean lawyering, right, not the NBA?'

"Oh, it's a grand day for Harvard!"

I'm trying out for the spring play. You'll be great! Ha! You'll be grateful to be an usher, Meryl Creep. Yeah. The good parts go to real actors. Sigh. The arts are sooo uplifting.

Charlie's medical advice always went in one ear and out the other.

'I told my teacher that I won't be returning to school. I'm trying out for a pro basketball team, and her services are no longer required.'

'I want to be a professional Polo player too when I grow up... Can I have your autograph please?'

'When I grow up, if I don't become a pro basketball player, about about 'spin doctor'?'

'I want to be a professional Polo player too when I grow up...Can I have your autograph please?'

"To be honest, it just collects dust."

"If you work hard enough, and find the right reality show, you can grow up to be anything you want."

"Coach said I can be catcher if I gain 30 pounds."

"I promised myself I would never let this happen to me."

Yale shadow

"When I left Princeton, I spent a summer briefcasing in Europe."

New Years Resolutions: Join Gym. . .Cancel Gym.

"Why, it's Daphne—home from Foxcroft."

Spin Dentistry...'Hollywood, here I come...'

Always stick to the script.